Parenting isn’t a skill we can hone like a golf swing by dedicating extra hours of our week in the pursuit of excellence. If that were the case, then American families should have been on the right track since the mid 1990’s. According to research from the University of California, San Diego, the amount of time parents spend with their kids has “risen dramatically” since 1995. This increase spans all income and education levels and applies to both mothers and the much maligned American father. Millennials have been raised in very cohesive homes by involved and supportive parents (article). However, ask any public school teacher if they’ve experienced a rising tide of well-disciplined pupils filling their classrooms the last decade. Few people believe students get better with each passing year, even as parents spend more time with their kids.
Now comes the point when people get sidetracked: I’m not saying that more time with the kids is not worthwhile. It is. Time with my kids is the most precious part of my day. But, if I’m a selfish, neurotic, argumentative cynic (all traits I’ve mastered)…. well, I’m probably going to produce selfish, neurotic, argumentative cynical children that the aforementioned teachers will cringe when they walk through the door. Here’s my point: The millennial generation is the first generation to be raised consuming the same media as their parents and millennials have consumed more media than any previous generation. What this tells me is that hanging out chugging Mountain Dew while playing X-Box or watching Jersey Shore with your kids doesn’t necessarily make you a good parent, even if you spend 25 hours a week of “quality time” doing it. It doesn’t stop with media consumption. Parents of millenials have been the most supportive parents America has seen in terms of active involvement in extracurricular activities and dollars spent on such activities. Watching TV together and coaching a sports team doesn’t magically produce well-formed Christ-centered children. I wish that it did.
Our kids need us to be more than buddies, more than coaches, more than promoters, more than homework checkers and more than taxi drivers shuttling them from one event to the next. The call is for parents to return to their role as well, parents. A child’s life is marked by change and upheaval. The lows feel worse than death, and the highs are in the stratosphere. Growing up is dramatic, even overly so. Too many parents go along for the ride in all the wrong ways. Again, I’m not advocating aloofness and negativity. But, I am in favor of adding perspective to all those peaks and valleys. Recently in Killeen, TX a mother purchased a billboard to campaign for her daughter’s prom queen candidacy. This isn’t a blessing. This makes it hard for her daughter to go home without a crown. Home should be a safe place away from social pressure to be beautiful and popular. Young ladies already face down that pressure beyond the sanctity of home every day. This well intentioned mother just sent the message that popularity is the most prized asset in the home. But, it’s not just over the top mothers. I’ve heard countless fathers go on at length about how their son is the next Colt McCoy, Tiger Woods, Michael Jordan, etc… Invariably within a few years the boy has moved on to different interests or has not blossomed into a prodigy. The pressure added to these boys goes completely unnoticed by the father. Such lavish praise and expectations, meant as wings of encouragement, can rob the child of the joy being merely “good.” Averaging 10 points, 5 assists, and 9 rebounds is pretty good, but not when the bar is set at LeBron James levels. Right now even LeBron James can’t measure up to LeBron James. Many in the sports media consider his career to be a disappointment so far. It is easy for parents to lack depth and get so caught up in their children’s lives, that they exacerbate the inherent drama of being a teenager. Parents should go shopping with daughters to pick out a prom dress and they should cheer for theirs sons, but do so with even-keeled perspective, not as a mouth foaming promoter or stereotypical littleleague parent.
So, this is the second time I open myself up to be misheard. I’m not anti-organized sports or even anti-prom queen for that matter. I played many sports and my kids will have that option as well (full disclosure: I’ve never been a prom queen). But, I want to be a deeper person. I want to be an anchor for my family. I can’t be an anchor if I’m hurdling completely untethered on an emotional roller coaster. I don’t want to relive my teenage years. During times of disappointment, I never want my kids to choose to not seek me out for comfort for fear of disappointing me or fear of sending me spiraling into a depression. Likewise, I never want to use their achievement to curse them with unrealistic expectations that sap the joy out of their hobbies. If Kip gets cut from the baseball team or Callie makes the honor roll, I don’t want to be the guy that makes it into more than what it is, thus adding undue drama and pressure to the situation. This doesn’t mean I don’t care. It means that I’m a grown up that has been cut from a team and made an honor roll. Neither event defined my life.
Recently Dan Bouchelle visited Taylor St. When he spoke with the Missions committee he used a graph that perfectly illustrates my point. This graphic is labeled for churches’, but it works for families.
Like an iceberg floating in water, only the very tip (above the “Vision Line” in this case) of the pyramid is outwardly visible. Dan’s lesson is that it is futile and brings disunity to work above this line without first delving down into what we believe about God, scripture, and on up the pyramid. My job as a parent is to plumb the depths so that I am effective above the line. Notice I didn’t say that my role is to plumb the depths to hide out from the realities of life. There is a saying about being so “heavenly minded that you are of no earthly good.” I can spend time with my kids above the line all day hanging out and spending money on sports camps, but if I never take my kids below the line, what have I really accomplished long term? Earl Woods did lots of things right above the line. Tiger went to Stanford and became the world’s best golfer and most sought after endorser. He married a beautiful woman and began a family, but without a solid foundation…. Contrast this with Tim Tebow. Tebow can be kicked out of the NFL tomorrow, disappear from public view and he will still have a rich meaningful joyous life. Tim's family built the foundation below the line long before he became a household name for things above the line.
It is only when we are rooted in God that we are able to bring peace and perspective to our children’s lives. In Ephesians Paul speaks of “infants that are tossed back and forth by the waves” due to various winds. In context Paul is talking about false teachers, but his word picture applies to the discussion at hand. Infants (i.e. young people) are tossed around by a turbulent life. To be their anchor, we first must be anchored and rooted in things that matter eternally. More importantly, teach them how to grow their own roots. Model a life that is marked by the “peace of Christ that transcends all understanding.”
