The Chronic Divorcee

The chronic divorcee.  We probably picture about the same stereotype:  A middle aged, middle management schmuck with male pattern balding chasing coeds half his age at the hotel bar.  Or even more offensive to our overblown sense of decency:  the aging former runner-up beauty queen contestant with caked on makeup and dyed hair running through bank accounts and the collaterally damaged men attached to them.  Jesus has some pretty harsh words for those people in the Sermon on the Mount. 

“It has been said, ‘Anyone who divorces his wife must give her a certificate of divorce.’ But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, makes her the victim of adultery, and anyone who marries a divorced woman commits adultery.

Our pulpit minister, Doug Crum, recently preached on this topic (It’s about the Heart).  As I share many of Doug’s thoughts on this issue, I wish to use his thoughts as both a foundation and springboard for my own thoughts in this blog. 

Jesus uses 6 antithetical statements in this section:  “It has been said..... (murder, adultery, divorce, oaths, hate your enemies) but I say….  .“  Here is what I notice in virtually all of these statements:  Jesus begins with a moral code either found in the Old Testament or as interpreted by the rabbinic code of the day (Doug’s sermon has some great illustrations of the teaching of the day during Jesus' time on divorce).  In the second leg of the antithetical statement, Jesus does not refute the general principle found in the first leg of the statement; rather he extends the principle to include our inner character as well as our actions.  These antithetical statements begin with an overt act that most, if not all, would agree are wrong.  We all know that we shouldn’t murder, commit adultery, etc…  Jesus extends this moral code to encompass our hearts.  However, in Jesus’ comments on divorce, he breaks with this pattern.  He begins with an overt act (divorce) and then seemingly elevates the seriousness of the sin.  In the previous pattern he does not elevate the seriousness of the sin, but the gravity of the concept as applied inwardly.  Jesus is Lord.  I do not refute his teachings.  But, what if “happily married” Christians viewed this teaching on divorce through the same template as the previous antithetical statements?  

Let me explain.  Anger in the heart is as morally repugnant to God as murder. That anger exacts harm in our souls and damages our spiritual lives.  How many Christians chronically divorce their spouses inwardly?  I have.  We may feel neglected or slighted, so we turn down the thermostat towards our beloved.  We may become less attached or less available in many ways and slights like so many frozen raindrops on a windshield obscuring our vision and sabotaging our purpose build up over time.  The most common form this may take is that of a wife becoming too emotionally involved with rearing children and other domestic tasks.  Husbands are more likely to become overly invested in careers and hobbies, that their spouse becomes just another obligation in their life.  The marriage relationship was meant to be the primary relationship within the home.  Even (especially?) Christians may over indulge their children and over pursue careers and even hobbies related to Christian events and activities at the expense of their marriage. 

The Old Testament forbids divorce and remarriage to the same spouse after the parties have been married to others (Deuteronomy 24:1-4).  A revolving door of marriage and remarriage opens up the door for all sorts of unintended consequences.  Men may pursue a “quickie” weekend divorce before a business trip to Las Vegas, only to “remarry” their wife upon the close of the business conference.  The wife may be enticed to tolerate such a situation in the name of survival.  The man may even feel morally superior for dotting the I’s and crossing the T’s on the divorce certificate.

As an inward reality, the aforementioned career chasing male or over involved mommy, may be just as guilty of only “checking back in” to the marriage when it is expedient.  Let’s be honest men may “check back in” for sex and women are more likely to “check back in” for emotional support.

I believe that an inward divorce is just as abhorrent to our God as an outward divorce (same relationship as murder to anger).  I’ve never committed murder, but I’m guilty of murdering others with my anger.  I’m on my first marriage, but I’ve been guilty of emotional separation at various times in the last decade plus years.  We may take this lightly, until we remember the true purpose of marriage:  to demonstrate the relationship between Christ and His church (Ephesians 5:21-33).  This adds a whole new seriousness to my unfaithfulness in my marriage.  Even the “except for marital unfaithfulness clause” in Matthew 5:33 takes on a whole new dimension when viewed through this prism.  As the bride of Christ, we have all been unfaithful, even if for only a brief season.  He may choose to divorce us, but Christ keeps purifying us and taking back his adulterous bride.  I have never formally divorced my Savior, but I have cut him off from my life at various times.    

Jamie is chained to me in the bonds of holy matrimony.  This commitment is intended to propel us to greater purpose, intimacy, and affection.  However, the terrible unintended consequence of this arrangement is aloofness, punitive behavior, or flat out neglect.  “After all,” one may think, “she’ll still be there when I really need her.” 

I think that all divorce is a tragedy.  The divorce that takes place at the courthouse is just as heartbreaking as the tiny countless divorces that take place in the space between two married Christian souls across a meaningless hearth in a no longer warm home.