A Revolving Door In and Out of Ministry; But in a Good Way

I have a peculiar job.  I’m a paid professional youth minister.  Even now (after many years), saying it out loud feels unnatural.  Don’t get me wrong.  I love what I do.  I love TSCOC.  Most of all, I love my teens and their families.  But, I can never embrace the whole “youth minister” stereotype subculture.  I don’t play video games, make fart jokes, throw water balloons, or wear Rob Bell style spectacles.  OK, so I occasionally wisecrack about gestational gasses.  I have very few close friends within the profession and do not have a formal ministry education.

I never had a “career” youth minister as a teenager.  In high school we had men and women in the church that offered their time and attention.  They loved us and the really good ones challenged us and spoke to us like maturing Christians, not immature children.  I’ve never bought into the trope that I have to act like a teenager to relate to a teenager.  Because even when I was a teenager, I was atypical, so trying to act like a “typical” teenager in my 30’s would be insincere at best and cringe inducingly awkward at worse.

Some time ago I was proffered for my advice to an aspiring youth minister at LCU for an assignment.  I won’t reconstruct the advice in its entirety, but I will give you a brief outline of the advice I would give a YFM student. 

1)      Double Major (why spend 4 years of your life to get a degree with such limited employment opportunities at private school rates?  The world always needs engineers, programmers, teachers, and accountants.  In other words, learn to make tents a la the apostle Paul.

2)      Work your other (non-church) “tent-making” job first.  Jesus didn’t begin his public ministry until he was 30.  It’s not a rule, but it is a worthwhile principle to consider. 

3)      While you are “making tents,” volunteer to help at your local church.  Use your vacation time for youth trips, teach classes, etc…  Ease into the role of working with other ministers, parents, teenagers, and elders.  Learn to prepare a class series, back a trailer, and order pizza for a group; the really practical things you may not learn in the classroom.

4)      After 3-5 years of volunteering, maybe you have decided that you want to focus 100% of your professional attention on ministry.  Likely, you will be “drafted” by your congregation or some other congregation.  Either way, you are likely to have better options than a fresh grad sending out resumes to churches.

5)      Maintain your contacts and training as a “tent-maker.”  You never know when you may need them again.  I never want to be a 50 year old youth minister and I can’t preach a lick, so my clock is ticking as a professional youth minister.  However, I always want to be an asset to my local church, particularly the youth ministry. 

I don’t recommend full-time professional ministry for many people.  It’s harder than one may think.  John Knox, a wise mentor of mine, once made the comment, “If you can do anything else: do it.”  This wasn’t a statement of ability, but of passion.  I have known a small handful of people with the temperament and disposition for a full 40 year career in ministry.  These people are exceedingly rare.  It breaks my heart, but I am not one of them.  I can strongly recommend full-time ministry for a “season of life.”  There are far fewer people that I can foresee enjoying a healthy spiritual life after 40 years in full-time ministry.

If my observations are correct (that only a few ministers are built for the long haul), then this has many implications for the church.  Here are a few suggestions.

1)      Create a “tent-maker friendly” culture.  Sometimes staff can be territorial with their duties.  Be willing to consider dedicated tent-makers as “part and parcel” of your ministry other than when you need chairs moved or hot dogs served.  Have a culture that allows these individuals to sit in on staff meetings and have influence beyond that of less involved members.

2)      Be willing to hire less formally trained Christians that have an abundance of experience and ministry skills.  Today, we use academia to train ministry leaders.   The New Testament church used the local church and mentors as the training ground for up and coming young ministers.   As one with very little formal education in the area of ministry, I may be biased on this point.  I’m sure that I would have enhanced ministry skills by receiving a formal Christian education.  However, that lack of a completed formal education does not make me immediately less qualified to serve in my current position than every 22 year old-old clutching a freshly inked YFM degree from a Christian university.  At a summer camp this year of all the evening worship speakers, one had a ministry degree.  Every other speaker had formal training in other areas.  I found this to be both surprising and exciting. 

3)      Be willing to allow your ministers to gracefully exit out of full-time ministry.  As many likely are aware, I’m about one-third of the way through a master’s program that will eventually lead me out of full-time paid youth ministry.  We don’t intend to leave Hobbs or Taylor Street any time soon.  I attend classes very part time and do everything possible to not allow my future career to interfere with my present ministry.  More importantly, I look forward to the days when I can serve without any of the pressure that comes with being a “paid” employee.  I am very desirous of being a servant to another minister. 

In my dream world congregations would be populated with many ex-ministers or full-time ministers in training that are productively contributing to the work of the body.  Unfortunately, the stereotype of ex-ministers is that of being damaged, burned out, bitter, and angry.  Sadly, ministry careers almost always end badly and leave a once productive minister on the sidelines and a less-trusting and less-loving church in the wake.  Everyone loses. 

It’s nothing new to say this, but I have a strong desire to continue to erode the distinction between sacred and secular professions, both inside and outside the church walls.  I see it as an absolute economic anomaly that I actually get paid to do what I do.  My prayer is for a vibrant church culture with revolving doors in and out of full time ministry without the pain we typically associate with such career transitions.  Maybe, I’m naiveté.  Maybe I’m just projecting my personal ambitions onto the culture at large.  But, one way or another I’ll be an ex-minister someday (hopefully not too soon).  I intend to be a productive, happy, and encouraging church member.  We always need more of those.

The Chronic Divorcee

The chronic divorcee.  We probably picture about the same stereotype:  A middle aged, middle management schmuck with male pattern balding chasing coeds half his age at the hotel bar.  Or even more offensive to our overblown sense of decency:  the aging former runner-up beauty queen contestant with caked on makeup and dyed hair running through bank accounts and the collaterally damaged men attached to them.  Jesus has some pretty harsh words for those people in the Sermon on the Mount. 

“It has been said, ‘Anyone who divorces his wife must give her a certificate of divorce.’ But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, makes her the victim of adultery, and anyone who marries a divorced woman commits adultery.

Our pulpit minister, Doug Crum, recently preached on this topic (It’s about the Heart).  As I share many of Doug’s thoughts on this issue, I wish to use his thoughts as both a foundation and springboard for my own thoughts in this blog. 

Jesus uses 6 antithetical statements in this section:  “It has been said..... (murder, adultery, divorce, oaths, hate your enemies) but I say….  .“  Here is what I notice in virtually all of these statements:  Jesus begins with a moral code either found in the Old Testament or as interpreted by the rabbinic code of the day (Doug’s sermon has some great illustrations of the teaching of the day during Jesus' time on divorce).  In the second leg of the antithetical statement, Jesus does not refute the general principle found in the first leg of the statement; rather he extends the principle to include our inner character as well as our actions.  These antithetical statements begin with an overt act that most, if not all, would agree are wrong.  We all know that we shouldn’t murder, commit adultery, etc…  Jesus extends this moral code to encompass our hearts.  However, in Jesus’ comments on divorce, he breaks with this pattern.  He begins with an overt act (divorce) and then seemingly elevates the seriousness of the sin.  In the previous pattern he does not elevate the seriousness of the sin, but the gravity of the concept as applied inwardly.  Jesus is Lord.  I do not refute his teachings.  But, what if “happily married” Christians viewed this teaching on divorce through the same template as the previous antithetical statements?  

Let me explain.  Anger in the heart is as morally repugnant to God as murder. That anger exacts harm in our souls and damages our spiritual lives.  How many Christians chronically divorce their spouses inwardly?  I have.  We may feel neglected or slighted, so we turn down the thermostat towards our beloved.  We may become less attached or less available in many ways and slights like so many frozen raindrops on a windshield obscuring our vision and sabotaging our purpose build up over time.  The most common form this may take is that of a wife becoming too emotionally involved with rearing children and other domestic tasks.  Husbands are more likely to become overly invested in careers and hobbies, that their spouse becomes just another obligation in their life.  The marriage relationship was meant to be the primary relationship within the home.  Even (especially?) Christians may over indulge their children and over pursue careers and even hobbies related to Christian events and activities at the expense of their marriage. 

The Old Testament forbids divorce and remarriage to the same spouse after the parties have been married to others (Deuteronomy 24:1-4).  A revolving door of marriage and remarriage opens up the door for all sorts of unintended consequences.  Men may pursue a “quickie” weekend divorce before a business trip to Las Vegas, only to “remarry” their wife upon the close of the business conference.  The wife may be enticed to tolerate such a situation in the name of survival.  The man may even feel morally superior for dotting the I’s and crossing the T’s on the divorce certificate.

As an inward reality, the aforementioned career chasing male or over involved mommy, may be just as guilty of only “checking back in” to the marriage when it is expedient.  Let’s be honest men may “check back in” for sex and women are more likely to “check back in” for emotional support.

I believe that an inward divorce is just as abhorrent to our God as an outward divorce (same relationship as murder to anger).  I’ve never committed murder, but I’m guilty of murdering others with my anger.  I’m on my first marriage, but I’ve been guilty of emotional separation at various times in the last decade plus years.  We may take this lightly, until we remember the true purpose of marriage:  to demonstrate the relationship between Christ and His church (Ephesians 5:21-33).  This adds a whole new seriousness to my unfaithfulness in my marriage.  Even the “except for marital unfaithfulness clause” in Matthew 5:33 takes on a whole new dimension when viewed through this prism.  As the bride of Christ, we have all been unfaithful, even if for only a brief season.  He may choose to divorce us, but Christ keeps purifying us and taking back his adulterous bride.  I have never formally divorced my Savior, but I have cut him off from my life at various times.    

Jamie is chained to me in the bonds of holy matrimony.  This commitment is intended to propel us to greater purpose, intimacy, and affection.  However, the terrible unintended consequence of this arrangement is aloofness, punitive behavior, or flat out neglect.  “After all,” one may think, “she’ll still be there when I really need her.” 

I think that all divorce is a tragedy.  The divorce that takes place at the courthouse is just as heartbreaking as the tiny countless divorces that take place in the space between two married Christian souls across a meaningless hearth in a no longer warm home.

Why I’m Not a Sports Fan

Anyone who knows me just fell over dead or called me a liar.  Let me explain.  The word “fan” is short for fanatic.  Fanatics strap bombs to themselves and blow up pizzerias and busses in the Middle East and elsewhere.  Fanatics have out of whack priorities, little self-awareness, and lack the ability for human companionship.  So no currently, I am not a sports fan.  But, let’s jump back into the “way-back machine.”  In the summer of 1991 I was 11 and a die-hard Atlanta Braves fan.  The previous year they finished in last place.  In 1991 my brother and I made our own tomahawks, hung Barry Bonds in effigy and chanted our way to the World Series where Kirby Puckett and a cheating low down good for nothing Kent Hrbek broke our hearts.  By the time 1995 rolled around and I was in high school, which means I could drive, liked girls, and started playing football; I barely watched the Braves defeat the Indians in the World Series. 

The only thing I liked more than the Braves was my beloved Cowboys:  Aikman, Novacek, Moose, Irvin, Emmitt, Jimmy, even Charles Haley and Deion Sanders.  I can talk to you for hours about Bill Bates the aging “gamer” and special teams standout from that era.  Along with everyone else in America I screamed at Leon Lett on Thanksgiving Day for ruining a picturesque win over the Dolphins.  I loved the Cowboys.  Then I went to college.  Aikman was forced into retirement, Quincy Carter was no heir apparent, and the Cowboys started losing.  Did I mention I was in college?  I quit being a fan.  I had more important things to do.

 

I went to Northwestern Oklahoma State University.  Haven’t heard of it?  Well, that’s ok you are not alone.  It’s an NAIA school in well Northwestern Oklahoma, Alva to be specific.  My freshmen year we missed the playoffs by a field goal in near blizzard conditions.  The following year we won the NAIA national championship.  I covered the team for the school paper as a writer and later as a columnist for a small website.  We had future NFL players on those teams and one of my best friends was the full back.  It was fun and I got paid (when the checks didn't bounce).  We blew people out and everyone cheered and got discounted gear at the bookstore based on how many touchdowns we scored.  I still have some of those t-shirts.  I was a fan.  The next year I got engaged at the National Championship game.  So, it is forever a part of my story.

Today, I’m a 33 year old full time youth minister, husband, father of toddlers, and graduate student.  I still keep up with both college and pro football.  I enjoy the MLB playoffs and even the NBA playoffs.  But, I’m no longer a fan.  Wins and losses do not affect my mood.  I don’t schedule my life around the season.  I watch when I’m not busy and I watch compelling match-ups regardless of who is playing.  Sure, I have my favorites, but I’m not blinded with love or loathing based on laundry and logos.  I NEVER use the terms "us" or "we" when talking about a team I'm not actually on.  Here is what I realized:  College football is 20 year old kids that play for a college that I didn’t go to.  Some of them are honorable good upright citizens and some of them are not.  We all like to think that our team is comprised of “good clean-cut Christian boys” that help little old ladies cross the street and that only the SEC and the Cincinnati Bengals have all the criminals and horse thieves, but that is rose tinted glasses thinking.   Here is what I do know:  No team bus is ever going to stop and help me on the side of the road.  They don’t know who I am.  They are not worthy of my passion. 

Most, but not all, “fans” that I know can’t tell me the defense their favorite team runs (half of you just now googled it).  They don’t know the difference between a 3-4 and 4-3 defense.  Many more never even played the sport.  They’ve never put on the pads, taken a read step, remembered blocking assignments or had those butterflies on the opening kickoff (I have a great story about my first high school kick off if you ever want to hear it).  You know by in large who are not crazy whack-a-doodle sports fans?  Ex- high level (college) players.  They love the game more than you do, know more than you and I know, and yet they don’t live and die with each win and loss of a team they are not a part of.  It’s called perspective.  They have it and “jersey wearing know-it-all fantasy football nerd” doesn’t have perspective.  Neither does 40 year old alumni tailgater chatting up undergrad coeds outside the stadium.  If you are over the age of 23 and you allow a game’s outcome to change your mood or ruin your weekend, then I perceive that as a lack of perspective on your part.  (Exceptions if you are directly associated with the team, as in your brother is the field goal kicker or your dad is the offensive coordinator).  Wins and losses don’t affect me once the post-game show begins.  I have a life. 

Let me flip the tables now.  I’ve heard minister colleagues complain that too many people would rather watch the Cowboys than attend their LifeGroup on Sunday afternoons.  Really?  Do you really think that you yammering at your flock another 40 minutes is the answer to anyone’s problems?  I doubt it.  Not always, but I prefer to watch the games with friends and family.  You know; in community!  We have traditions.  The twins wear Cowboy gear, Jamie makes special whole wheat Splenda Cowboy cookies and we fellowship with friends while the game is on.  The kids play and we all have fun.  Football provides the reason to get together, but doesn’t dictate our mood. 

Locally, football is a great cultural touchstone for relating to the community.  I attend virtually every home Hobbs game to support my students (band members, football players, cheerleaders, etc…) and to see folks from the community.  So to you ministers out there that are anti-football just treat your community as a missionary would treat their mission field.  Use what is available to relate to people where they are.  Paul did.  You wouldn’t go to South America and ridicule people for liking soccer (ok so I would, which is why I’m never going to be a missionary in South America).  So, show some respect.  Cheer on Friday nights and know enough about the Cowboys to have a 3 minute conversation with the townspeople.  Nobody expects you to get a blue and silver tattoo or diagram a Tampa 2 coverage defense. 

I think I have offended everyone.  So I apologize to one and all (except Fantasy Football nerds and soccer players).  “Ride Rangers Ride!”

Everything You Need To Know About Life You Can Learn from Jars of Clay

Soon after I became a Christian the acoustic alt-friendly band Jars of Clay burst onto radio and even MTV with the hit song “Flood.”  Music was incredibly important to me at that time in my life.  I had sampled a few of the other Christian offerings in that era and there is no getting around the truth; it was uniformly homogenous, cheesy, and superficial; and dare I say bloodless?  OK, it was horrible.  So, the timing was fortuitous to say the least.  Jars allowed an easy ramp from Counting Crows and Toad the Wet Sprocket.

Ever since then, Jars has basically provided the soundtrack to my walk with Jesus.  At the time of its release I may have underappreciated Much Afraid.  And it may have even taken years for me to “get” If I left the Zoo.  But, I have come to esteem all of their work on its own merits, you can’t take it any other way.  The run Jars of Clay went on from 2003-2009 releasing 4 near perfect albums is monumental (Who We Are Instead, Redemption Songs, Good Monsters, The Long Fall Back to Earth).  I don’t care how many Dove Awards they win, I still contest their message is underappreciated by Christian audiences and that their artistry is underappreciated by secular critics.  This is a special band with something to say and a unique way of saying it.

Their themes are manifold and yet connected: brokenness, the battle within us all, crying out for justice in an injustice world, a need for connection, and many others.  Sometimes the vessel for the message is breezy and ironic, in other songs it is melodic and even whimsical, still at other times it is heavy and melancholic.  One of my favorite songs, Two Hands sounds like a very generic CCM praise song that hides in plain sight some very lamentable and frighteningly honest lyrics; “I have a broken disposition I'm a liar who thirsts for the truth And while I ache for faith to hold me I need to feel the scars and see the proof.”

But I digress, here is a thematically arranged sample of Jars songs with Youtube clips.

Everything You Need To Know About Life You Can Learn from Jars of Clay

Submission:  Take my World Apart http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JCezEbaMHdA

Human Condition & Brokenness  Faith Enough  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w0bvYb16swQ

 

Family:  Boys (lesson one):  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kemmlVEYciM

 

Justice:  Oh my God:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=txqeyisb688

 

Connection:  Even Angels Cry:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wen7i89a6tQ

 

Commitment:  Water under the bridge:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x-zwMCDpS9s

 

 

Please!!  Feel free to add your own songs, lyrics and themes in the comment section.

Fight! Fight! Fight!

I don’t shy away from contact.  I’m competitive.  Growing up I got whistled for more fouls than points scored.  I’ve seen countless red cards and even a few yellow flags that marched my team back 15 yards.  Unfortunately, I didn’t leave my proclivity for rough play in the locker room after the game.  My tongue proved just as lethal of a weapon as my forearms and elbows.   I’m not proud of this mind you (ok so I’m a little proud of my red card collection).  I could blame my raising.  I learned to fight hard and to never give an inch, and that few things were too small to fight over.  I made several teachers cry, a counselor and principal cower in fear, and worked over a school board member after church (in front of everybody).  I cringe at some of my battles.    

These chaotic episodes would be like watching a car crash in slow motion set to classical music.  It was simultaneously the best and worst parts of my nature coming out in a cacophony of often stuttered stream of consciousness rant aimed at the offending party.  My greatest God given strengths and most painful wounds of insecurity all on display in an avalanche; an avalanche seeking victory over resolution; an avalanche indifferent to collateral damage.  In short I would bring a cannon to a squirt gun fight and be worried that there weren’t enough cannon balls and gun powder nearby. 

 Looking back I would still assert that I was generally in the “right” in many of the instances that immediately come to mind.  However, it took me into adulthood to realize the proper role of conflict in life.  In Doug’s previous post he mentioned the late Dr. Charles Siburt.  I too must credit the much beloved church leader with teaching me the proper role of conflict in life and in churches. 

I guess that I expected to hear a very pacifist message from Dr. Siburt.  Rather, I learned that conflict is healthy.  I learned how to fight (as in fight fair), and to actually structure the conflict so that it leads to resolution.  I learned to believe the best in others, especially during conflict.  I learned about constraining negative behaviors during times of conflict.  In short, I thought I was going to get patted on the head and told to be a good boy and NOT fight.  Rather, Dr. Siburt armed us with the tools to fight the battles that are worth fighting and to fight them in such a way that the resolution leads to something better than just winning a petty argument.  I have not mastered any of these things.  But at least now I know what I’m aiming for in terms of when to fight and how to fight. 

I’ve been teaching through the Gospel of John.  John begins his work with a lofty abstract incarnation narrative, but the heart of John’s Gospel is Jesus engaging people.  Many times these engagements can only be described as confrontational.  Jesus “crawls up in your kitchen” so to speak.  These episodes are intense.  They call names.  They sling mud.  They ask loaded questions (“Isn’t it true that you are demon possessed and a Samaritan?”).  Rick Warren cancelled his presidential debate because of lack of civility by the campaigns.  Neither candidate can even come close to the rhetoric between Jesus and the Pharisees.  Saddleback will not be hosting a Jesus vs. Pharisees debate anytime soon.

John does not paint a Flannelgraph Jesus wagging a finger at the Pharisees telling them to be nice.  Jesus calls the Pharisees “sons of Satan” and tells them they don’t know God.  Jesus doesn’t stop with just religious leaders, either.  He brings up the elephant in the room while talking with the woman at the well.  Jesus cares enough to confront. 

After reading John, no wonder the Jews wanted Jesus killed.  He confronted in relentless barrages.  Seemingly, after each episode half the people are looking for rocks, but at least some are coming to a declaration of faith.  I love this portrait of Jesus.  More shades of Braveheart than Mr. Rogers, closer to a fiery prophet than a non-descript vanilla news anchor.  He’s that fiery college football coach that makes you want to run through a wall.  He’s that military commander that soldiers figuratively and literally follow into death.  He’s not, moralizing.  He’s provoking without being provocative, antagonizing without being unnecessarily antagonistic.  Jesus’ conflict is rooted in the relevant and aims for transformation not Pyrrhic victory.  Much of my personal history is fighting about things that don’t matter and trying to be right.  That by definition is a pretty shallow victory.  Jesus only fights about that which truly matters and surrenders any rhetorical victories to the transformational work of the cross. 

(*This is just a side note:  Some ministers demonstrate arrogance, insecurity and many other neuroses during times of conflict.  But consider this:  Many times the only time a minister is confronted is when they are being fired or about to be fired.  This is a very unhealthy dynamic.  I want people in my life that will confront me.  I shouldn’t only hear performance-based praise.  I need personal accountability.*) 

Conflict is a huge subject and in no way am I qualified to write an exhaustive piece on conflict and scripture, but I do want to share just a few bullet points:

1)      All healthy relationships involve disagreement at some point.  So, fight fair.

2)      Reasonably choose to believe the best about others.

3)      See what you hit.  Matthew 18:15-20  is our personal combat guide.  Jesus forbids stealth sniper shots, air raid bombings and anything that is not hand-to-hand combat.  While playing football I learned to “see what you hit.”  Jesus says basically the same thing.

4)      “Judge not lest ye be judged.”  Does not mean what many people think that it means.    

5)      It’s not our job to judge those outside the church.  But it doesn’t mean that in the name of tolerance we should condone evil.  (1 Corinthians 5:9-10; Isaiah 5:20).

6)      It is our job to judge our own, but the goal is salvation not punishment. (1 Corinthians 5:1-5; 12-13)

7)      Sometimes it’s just better to be wronged and cheated than fight and be right.  (1 Corinthians 6:7-8)

8)      Last but not least, be gentle.  (Galatians 6:1)

So get out there and fight, fight, fight!

Fight Fair.  Fight when it matters.  Only fight when the Lord has called into battle under his banner.

 

Why Generation X’ers “Cling to the Old Rugged Cross” While their Parents Belt Out Praise Songs

A recent confluence of events (read social media posts from other ministers) has helped me to verbalize a trend I’ve noticed since college.  Let me quote Steven Gaines’ recent FaceBook post (Steven is actually quoting another post, so you see how social media has such a widespread reach),

"Those who want revision are clergy in their 40s, 50s, and 60s. Clergy in their 20s, 30s..., and 70s don't favor revision.  "2) Congregation members in their 20s and 30s strongly prefer traditional music—contrary to the popular belief that young people want music that is more contemporary."

The preceding is a rough summary of extensive research conducted in theEpiscopalian Church.  This research came as a surprise to many.  After all, aren’t younger people supposed to crave newer more innovative music styles partially for the purpose of distinguishing themselves from older generations that “just don’t get it?” 

Rather than clunky numeric labels, I will henceforth refer to these age groups by the more popular generational tags of WWII Generation, Baby Boomers (current 48-64 year olds), Generation X (current 33-47 year olds), and Millennial Generation  (13-32 year olds).  The groups do not perfectly align with the ages in the research, but generational tags are somewhat fluid and arbitrary anyway.  However, they are useful for describing larger dynamics, so I will proceed with full knowledge that this is a bit of a sleight of hand, but one with honest intentions.

Baby Boomers (my parent’s generation), by in large want to reform, revamp, reshape, and reimagine some aspects of traditional Christianity in America.  Is this really a surprise?  Boomers are largely identified with wholesale cultural shifts, protest marches, and an overarching voice demanding change.  After leading a cultural rebellion it only makes sense that they prefer their own brand of music over the songs of the generation that they are rebelling against. 

On the other hand, the research says that Generation X’ers (me and my ilk) actually prefer the songs Grandma and Grandpa used to sing.  So, every shopworn lazy stereotype that portrays each younger generation as increasingly rebellious and increasingly progressive just isn’t so.  I have anecdotal evidence in every congregation I’ve worshipped that says younger doesn’t necessarily mean more progressive and uncomplimentary of the traditions and institutions within our fellowship.  The Episcopalian research quantifies my personal experience. 

The question is why:  Why do many Gen X’er and Millenial Christians identify more with traditional hymns that are centuries old rather than with more popular sounding praise songs?  I think I have an answer.  It stems from both personal experience and larger trends on the American landscape.  Grandma and Grandpa and Grandma and Grandpa’s church became an unchanging core for many in my generation.  Many of my generation were latch key kids, born into a mobile society that featured constant change.  Our Baby Boomer parents were returning to college for additional career enhancing degrees, relocating for better employment or filing for the now “non-judgmental and non-socially stigmatizing” divorce.  All the while their Gen X’er kids may have been listening to grunge music (I loved grunge music), but their saving grace and stability became Grandma and Grandpa.  I’ve never lived through a divorce (thank you Mom and Dad), but I did live through everything else mentioned (relocation, return to college, and latchkey).  My “Pud” and Granddad in many ways were the center of my orbit.  Their overbearing fundamentalism that was viewed as legalistic by a previous generation softened by the time I arrived on the scene.  What remained was not a prison of rigidity, but walls of safety and consistency.  It was as if the WWII Generation grew weary of fighting the Boomers and signed a cease fire with their grandkids.

Pud and Granddad had stricter rules than Mom and Dad.  They had no television, only listened to talk radio and words like gosh, gah, butt, among others were not allowed.  However, by their mere presence my Grandparents became my harbor.  I was more than willing to trade board games played with dice and face cards (all looked down upon in my grandparent’s home) for home cooked meals, fishing trips, horse rides, long walks in the country, even longer domino games, unconditional love and endless stories from the Great Depression and WWII.  It seemed like a fair trade.  I LOVED their one room “non-class” country church.  That simple structure was an extension of the idea of “Pud and Granddad.”  My grandparents and their expression of their deeply held beliefs were a package deal.  I accepted both, regardless of how foreign they sometimes felt. 

It’s not that I had bad parents, because I have amazing parents.  But, my Grandfather was a godlike figure in my early years:  he never changed, his ways were not my ways, he had high expectations for me and loved me unconditionally; all traits used to describe our God.  During the angst of childhood and adolescence their farm and his presence was my refuge and respite.  No matter how much I didn’t understand some of his theology, I could never question his integrity, lifestyle, or love.  I believed he always held by best interests at heart.  Am I guilty of hero worship?  You better believe it!  But that hero worship helped lead me into a life changing relationship with Jesus that still transforms my thinking and character to this day. 

I love old hymns, because I love my Grandfather and what he represented to me and the God he helped teach me to love and serve.  Oh, I have nothing against new praise songs.  They have a great deal to offer our faith communities.  But, I am vehemently against attitudes and practices that seek to denigrate our heritage and older generations.  The gratitude Generation X in particular owes to this most treasured group of believers (the WWII Generation) is unquantifiable.  Singing their songs unites me with their story of faithfulness and steadfastness, a longing particularly resonant for our times.  My Grandfather’s generation endured the Great Depression saved the world from Fascism and birthed the greatest economic boom in world history.  They have plenty to teach us even still.  I am grateful.

Let me rehab the Baby Boomers for just a moment.  The very best elders and ministers that I know are Baby Boomers.  Let me say that again, the BEST elders and minister I know are Baby Boomers.  I have learned so much from these men and women.  Guilty of hero worship?  Yes, again!  But, one pertinent trait these Baby Boomers hold in common is an abiding respect for older generations of Christians.  These Boomers seem to have an active recognition that we all drink from wells that we did not dig.  These are people that show deference and accommodation when possible to the older generation and when necessary explain when decisions and practices are at odds with views commonly held by that generation.

So how shall we conclude this stroll down generational memory lane?  I’m not one for peachiness and ad nauseam moralizing.   I can tell you to be nice and respect your elders, but it wouldn’t sound sincere.  So do this instead:  Find someone with a different life experience and listen to their story.  Go for a walk.  Play dominoes.  Sing their songs and hymns.  It changed my life.

More Parenting is Not Always Deeper Parenting

I recently had the privilege to facilitate a Sunday morning parenting class at Taylor St. We had the pleasure of three couples who were willing to come in and share their experiences on the topic of parenting and family life for the conclusion of our series. I have boundless respect and admiration for all six of the individuals who shared their lives with us. As I consider their stories, a quote from Richard Foster’s book A Celebration of Discipline comes to mind. In Foster’s opening paragraph he writes, “The desperate need today is not for a greater number of intelligent people, or gifted people, but for deep people.” Foster managed to strike upon the perfect word to describe the unifying characteristic of those six saints: depth. The parenting strategies, house rules, and discipline all varied amongst the three families, but an underlying gentle strength and calmness was apparent in all. In a word, they were deep. Not deep in the sense that they routinely discuss Romantic Era Opera or Latin poetry, but deep in the sense of being grounded in their principles combined with long term perspective on the purpose of parenting. The world doesn’t need people to “parent” better; we need to “be” better. It’s not a lack of knowledge or gifts; but a lack of depth.


Parenting isn’t a skill we can hone like a golf swing by dedicating extra hours of our week in the pursuit of excellence. If that were the case, then American families should have been on the right track since the mid 1990’s. According to research from the University of California, San Diego, the amount of time parents spend with their kids has “risen dramatically” since 1995. This increase spans all income and education levels and applies to both mothers and the much maligned American father. Millennials have been raised in very cohesive homes by involved and supportive parents (article). However, ask any public school teacher if they’ve experienced a rising tide of well-disciplined pupils filling their classrooms the last decade. Few people believe students get better with each passing year, even as parents spend more time with their kids.

Now comes the point when people get sidetracked: I’m not saying that more time with the kids is not worthwhile. It is. Time with my kids is the most precious part of my day. But, if I’m a selfish, neurotic, argumentative cynic (all traits I’ve mastered)…. well, I’m probably going to produce selfish, neurotic, argumentative cynical children that the aforementioned teachers will cringe when they walk through the door. Here’s my point: The millennial generation is the first generation to be raised consuming the same media as their parents and millennials have consumed more media than any previous generation. What this tells me is that hanging out chugging Mountain Dew while playing X-Box or watching Jersey Shore with your kids doesn’t necessarily make you a good parent, even if you spend 25 hours a week of “quality time” doing it. It doesn’t stop with media consumption. Parents of millenials have been the most supportive parents America has seen in terms of active involvement in extracurricular activities and dollars spent on such activities. Watching TV together and coaching a sports team doesn’t magically produce well-formed Christ-centered children. I wish that it did. 

Our kids need us to be more than buddies, more than coaches, more than promoters, more than homework checkers and more than taxi drivers shuttling them from one event to the next.  The call is for parents to return to their role as well, parents. A child’s life is marked by change and upheaval. The lows feel worse than death, and the highs are in the stratosphere. Growing up is dramatic, even overly so. Too many parents go along for the ride in all the wrong ways. Again, I’m not advocating aloofness and negativity. But, I am in favor of adding perspective to all those peaks and valleys. Recently in Killeen, TX a mother purchased a billboard to campaign for her daughter’s prom queen candidacy. This isn’t a blessing. This makes it hard for her daughter to go home without a crown. Home should be a safe place away from social pressure to be beautiful and popular. Young ladies already face down that pressure beyond the sanctity of home every day. This well intentioned mother just sent the message that popularity is the most prized asset in the home. But, it’s not just over the top mothers. I’ve heard countless fathers go on at length about how their son is the next Colt McCoy, Tiger Woods, Michael Jordan, etc… Invariably within a few years the boy has moved on to different interests or has not blossomed into a prodigy. The pressure added to these boys goes completely unnoticed by the father. Such lavish praise and expectations, meant as wings of encouragement, can rob the child of the joy being merely “good.” Averaging 10 points, 5 assists, and 9 rebounds is pretty good, but not when the bar is set at LeBron James levels. Right now even LeBron James can’t measure up to LeBron James. Many in the sports media consider his career to be a disappointment so far. It is easy for parents to lack depth and get so caught up in their children’s lives, that they exacerbate the inherent drama of being a teenager. Parents should go shopping with daughters to pick out a prom dress and they should cheer for theirs sons, but do so with even-keeled perspective, not as a mouth foaming promoter or stereotypical littleleague parent. 

So, this is the second time I open myself up to be misheard. I’m not anti-organized sports or even anti-prom queen for that matter. I played many sports and my kids will have that option as well (full disclosure: I’ve never been a prom queen). But, I want to be a deeper person. I want to be an anchor for my family. I can’t be an anchor if I’m hurdling completely untethered on an emotional roller coaster. I don’t want to relive my teenage years. During times of disappointment, I never want my kids to choose to not seek me out for comfort for fear of disappointing me or fear of sending me spiraling into a depression. Likewise, I never want to use their achievement to curse them with unrealistic expectations that sap the joy out of their hobbies. If Kip gets cut from the baseball team or Callie makes the honor roll, I don’t want to be the guy that makes it into more than what it is, thus adding undue drama and pressure to the situation. This doesn’t mean I don’t care. It means that I’m a grown up that has been cut from a team and made an honor roll. Neither event defined my life.

Recently Dan Bouchelle visited Taylor St. When he spoke with the Missions committee he used a graph that perfectly illustrates my point. This graphic is labeled for churches’, but it works for families.

Like an iceberg floating in water, only the very tip (above the “Vision Line” in this case) of the pyramid is outwardly visible. Dan’s lesson is that it is futile and brings disunity to work above this line without first delving down into what we believe about God, scripture, and on up the pyramid. My job as a parent is to plumb the depths so that I am effective above the line. Notice I didn’t say that my role is to plumb the depths to hide out from the realities of life. There is a saying about being so “heavenly minded that you are of no earthly good.” I can spend time with my kids above the line all day hanging out and spending money on sports camps, but if I never take my kids below the line, what have I really accomplished long term? Earl Woods did lots of things right above the line. Tiger went to Stanford and became the world’s best golfer and most sought after endorser. He married a beautiful woman and began a family, but without a solid foundation…. Contrast this with Tim Tebow. Tebow can be kicked out of the NFL tomorrow, disappear from public view and he will still have a rich meaningful joyous life.  Tim's family built the foundation below the line long before he became a household name for things above the line.

It is only when we are rooted in God that we are able to bring peace and perspective to our children’s lives. In Ephesians Paul speaks of “infants that are tossed back and forth by the waves” due to various winds. In context Paul is talking about false teachers, but his word picture applies to the discussion at hand. Infants (i.e. young people) are tossed around by a turbulent life. To be their anchor, we first must be anchored and rooted in things that matter eternally. More importantly, teach them how to grow their own roots. Model a life that is marked by the “peace of Christ that transcends all understanding.”